A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of
them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom
to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who
gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on……..
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
‘Of course, child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn’t know what "food" meant.
In China they didn’t know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn’t know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn’t know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally………………………
In Australia they hung up because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent.
